Stephens Story Journal By Gordon Whitehead Stephen's Father

On December 4, 2008 my son Stephen passed away. From all the evidence available to us it appears to have been suicide. The story of Stephen however, and the story of the spirit which accompanies us throughout the death of Stephen, and even before the death of Stephen, is what I would like to share here.

The Lord is merciful and tender, in my mind; there is no question about this statement. In a perfect paradox our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning all the while allowing mortals perfect free agency. The paradox itself is the perfect paradox and not always easily understood. Blessed be the name of my God for that paradox; for it is what allows him to prepare and comfort us in times of trial and it is what gives us strength, courage, and understanding when we are called to move his work forward.

I will share in this document as many thoughts as I can recall. Over the last two years the Spirit has been whispering to me. I have been prodded by the Spirit that we did not belong in Dayton. Each Sunday I would attend church and feel desperation about our situation but did not understand how we could move. My wife was especially miserable there – for while at least I had my job and coaching to make me feel integrated; Diane really had nothing and it was growing more and more clear to me that my children were going to have less and less to do with the Church as we stayed in Dayton. Not that Dayton is an evil town, but there is something going on where the influences of evil are hurting the Church there and there is very little growth occurring. The numbers in the ward and the number of youth available to fellowship each other has dropped dramatically. Therefore, I reasoned that I had to “get the out of here” but could not understand it. I did not know how I could do it – we just bought a very expensive house, and as I mentioned, I had been coaching as the assistant Varsity coach in football and the head girls basketball coach for the girls. Bishop came to me one day and asked me if I thought I would continue to coach the Girls team (there was never any question in anyone’s mind that I would continue with football – a very prestigious job). My response was thoughtful – I had been contemplating this question for some time. I wondered if I should continue to coach. I felt coaching was as much a calling as anything else; that I should share my talents and love for athletics with young people. I had written significantly on the topic of athletic and youth development and felt an obligation to teach what I knew. However, it nagged at me and so my response was that I would do what the Lord asks me to do. I said: “I will coach until I am released.” The Bishop and I both considered coaching at the local high school to be my calling in the church at that time. The Bishop’s response was he agreed and felt that was a wise strategy.

A few weeks later I received a call from the Athletic Director stating the Principal wanted to speak with me. I met with them and they explained they wanted to move in another direction. While my heart was broken because I knew there were many factors, most of them very unfair and very ungrateful, at play. At the same time, I understood what was at play. I knew the Lord had released me. I wept bitterly because I’m always the type of person who wants to get on the floor and play one more game and compete one more time. Often after a loss or a win; I just had this drive inside my heart that made me feel we needed to immediately get back on the floor and play again…improve…seek perfection.

As the summer ended and we began practices there was just no heart in it by anyone. The head coach was an unfair and overbearing man who belittled players and staff alike. My sons did not enjoy playing for him and it created many difficult situations. Towards the end of August after I had completed my doctoral comprehensive exams Diane came to me and said she and Michael had something to tell me. Michael had been praying and felt he received the inspiration that he should attend school in Pleasant Grove, Utah. We had visited Pleasant Grove during the previous summer and as always happens, we fell in love with it. The area was full of youth with standards and other people who believed as we believe. It felt alive whereas Dayton felt like it was dying. I knew immediately that this is what we should do. However, I wanted to conduct full due-diligence. Diane and I hashed over the pros and cons and she put her foot down firmly and said – “We are going and we want you to come.” I felt this to be something that was almost in answer to the difficult dilemmas and feelings I had had in church and in the community. Nothing felt right where we were and it was gradually getting more wrong. The following morning, Diane, Michael, and Nicholas packed their things, got in the car and left for Pleasant Grove where they registered and began school. Diane then commenced to find us a house so the family could move. In the mean time, I stayed in Dayton with Stephen, Joshua, and Rachel. I began to figure out a new job situation. I also had the privilege of taking care of Stephen. Again, I will speak more of these things later for the time I had with him in Dayton was choice and precious to me.

I simply introduce these things at this time to explain there were many things working in the background to prepare us for Stephen’s death. As we look back on it now, living in Utah, surrounded by friends and family that care and literally shouldered our burdens was critical to our ability to manage through this time. The friends and family in Utah literally did as Mosiah taught all members must do: “and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witness of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life.” (Mosiah 18: 8-9). I want to be clear, it is not that our friends and family in Dayton would not attempt to do these things; but, it has been made known unto me that the comfort and compassion we felt by our Utah family was needed for our family. For so many reasons moving was the right thing to do; and in particular because the people here loved us quickly and loved us deeply and Stephen made a great progression during this time. I will also discuss this later.

The Garage

The evening Stephen died was a heart-breaking experience. We somberly and soberly sat in the living room and received a number of close family and friends as visitors. I remember putting some soup on for the children and Joshua was one of the few who could actually eat. He wanted some milk and so I needed to go out into the garage refrigerator to get some. As I was returning from the garage into the house I remembered the story Grandma Ramos had told about her receiving whisperings from our cousin Michael Hoyal after he had passed away as a senior in High School. I also remembered a story shared in the Ensign years ago that a young boy who had passed away had tried to visit his dad and give him comfort – but, because the dad was too busy, the boy could not get through to him and he gave his message to someone else. These two stories popped into my mind as I walked back into the house so I stopped, paused, went back into the garage, left the lights out, and just pondered. I felt a warmth that I had not in some time, if ever, felt. I felt a presence that I did not want to leave. It was not a scary presence, but one that was warm and comfortable. I then felt the words in my soul say: “Dad, I’m sorry. I love you Dad.” It was in Stephen’s voice and it was exactly how he would have said it. I whispered that “I love you Stephen and I’m going to miss you.” I just stayed for a minute or two and basked in the presence. Later, as I pondered this event I was reminded that my patriarchal blessing says: “You will also know the promptings of those who have gone on before who will guide you and help you and inspire you, and you will be able to understand what the powers of Elijah mean.” I felt this garage experience was a literal fulfillment of that blessing. I did feel the presence of Stephen, and perhaps even more. I did hear his words in my heart and knew he was communicating with me. I did feel a deep sense that I understand the powers of Elijah and with all my heart wanted to help bring about the sealing and binding for my family ties. I was grateful for the sealing of Stephen to Diane and I as he was born under the covenant. I’m so grateful for this fact.

The Revelations and the Visions and Inspirations that Followed

During this time our hearts were broken. We struggled mightily because we ached to have our Stephen back with us and cursed ourselves many times thinking what more we could have done that we failed to do because of our mortal limitations. And yet, the Lord was continuously merciful to us giving us revelation after revelation. One afternoon Diane came to me when I was in deep despair and said the following: “If the Lord had come to me and said ‘you are the mother so I will give you a choice…you may keep Stephen here on this earth and enjoy him. He may never get completely well, and he may always live with you, and he will be tortured by Satan’s buffeting and tormented by daemons and he may fall again…or, you can let him come with me and I shall protect him and keep him safe from the grasp of Satan.’ And My wife told me the answer would have been clear. “If given that choice, certainly I would have allowed Stephen to go with the Savior.” I listened to this with great interest and felt it was another answer and another tender mercy of the Lord; yet, I did not comprehend the potential significance of it. It was merely comforting to me.

That very night I went to bed around 9:30 or so. I must have quickly fallen asleep because I began to dream. I dreamt that Stephen and another boy had been high on Cocaine and they were out of control. I wrestled them to the ground and stretched my body over them to keep them from hurting themselves and to help them calm down. They somehow escaped from me and ran their fist through our French doors and glass flew everywhere. They then laughed a childish laugh and said “now we have something to cut the cocaine with.” I again subdued them by wrestling them down and taking control. I had no sooner regained control when another boy walked around the corner. As his presence came into my perception I felt danger and evil. I knew immediately that this person was dangerous. I wrestled him to the ground also and was attempting to control all three boys by stacking them and then laying on them. I no sooner had nearly gained control of this third boy when a horrific presence emanated in my face. I cannot describe but it was as if all horror and all terror that had ever been known by evil was mustered and flashed into my eyes. It made all nightmares of my past pale in comparison. I was so frightened and stunned that I immediately jumped back and as I did so I awoke feeling desolate. I said a prayer for comfort and walked into my study to write the dream down. At the time I did not know there was meaning – it was simply so terrifying to me that I decided to write it down so I could remember it. I felt I was supposed to do this. All of this happened before 10:30 PM. After I wrote the dream down I walked down to Michael and I borrowed my earphones; plugged them into my iPhone and went back to bed listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in an attempt to regain some calmness and invite the Holy Spirit. It seemed to work; but as I lay down I quickly fell asleep and had another very evil dream. I awoke and I could not remember the dream at all – only I could remember the feeling, the presence of evil and I wondered if the same evil spirits that had attacked and tormented Stephen were now attempting to attack me. I recalled the blessing on our house and said a prayer to Father in Heaven that all evil may depart from us. I then felt better and was able to sleep as I listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on my phone.

As I shared the dream with Diane she made some observations and now, after pondering, I know certain things. I know the metaphor Diane shared with me about letting Stephen go or keeping him was a real message from Father in Heaven. I also know that the evil in my dream was representative of the struggles Stephen was not only facing on a day-to-day basis, but that he would have to endure that all the days of his life. I then realized more firmly than before how much he was in fact tormented by demons. As I ponder the dream more I understand I believe, by the Spirit, what the figures in the dream are. Of course Stephen was himself under the influences of drugs and other things that took him away from us all those years. The second boy was a bodiless spirit and a son of perdition who had been cast out during the war in heaven. He was the demonic agent assigned to assist Stephen in pursuit of unholy things. The third boy was a higher angel of darkness; one of Satan’s top agents, and one to whom Satan could trust much destruction and evil. The evil mustered that was thrust in my face was Satan himself. As I wrestled to overpower the two agents of Satan, he himself then manifested with as much power and presence as could be mustered from the world of darkness to blow me off of his agents and Stephen. The message is clear to me – regardless of the power from the Priesthood Diane and I would unleash against Satan and his angels, Stephen would be tormented as long as he was on earth. Stephen had been a significant and righteous man in the pre-mortal existence. He had sat in the counsels with Abraham and knew Abraham. Overcoming Stephen would appear to be a great victory for darkness. However, with the tender mercies and eternal wisdom of our Father in Heaven Satan was defeated in this plan. Stephen has been greeted by the Lord and is preparing to serve him; and I feel; is in fact even serving him now. Stephen held the Aaronic Priesthood and though disfellowshiped, his repentance was sincere and I believe he is now about his Father’s business and being tutored by Grandpa and Grandma Hoyal. Oh death, where is thy sting? It is swallowed up in the mercies and love of our Savior and in the sure resurrection and in the hope the new and everlasting covenant brings of eternal life.

A Visit to the Grave

On the evening of the 16th I went for a run. I ran to Stephen’s grave because I so wanted to see him. As I rounded the corner to the cemetery coming off of 100 West I had a strong impression come over me. The scripture that said: “Why do ye seek the living among the dead?” “He is not here, he is risen.” These were the words of the Angel to Mary in the Garden as she sought to take care of the body of Jesus after three days in the tomb. It was a strong reminder to me as well as a mercy of the Lord telling me that Stephen is alive – that he lives and is busy and is not likely to hang around the grave site, but rather is focused on next steps. I felt it was appropriate to visit the grave, to express love, to show respect, and this is important to do. Still, the words that “He is risen” are important and not far from my heart – thus I know; my son lives on.

A Visit to the Temple

On the evening of the 17th of December Diane and I went to the Temple. I felt a pull to go to the Temple for a couple of days; we just had a difficult time getting ourselves going. It was not an easy time for us. During that particular evening, while at the Temple both doing initiatories and an endowment for family, my mind was intently fixed upon Stephen and wondered where he was and what he was doing. I wondered if he would be able to come into the Temple at this stage of his progression; as he died an unendowed member, but held the Aaronic Priesthood and the office of Priest. While sitting in the endowment session I had some thoughts flash across my mind. I saw in my mind’s eye Grandpa Hoyal go to Stephen and say to him: “Stephen, come here, you need to see this.” He grabbed Stephen and took him to a place where they could both see the entrance of the Timpanogas Temple. What he then saw was a couple walking arm in arm, sweetly, gently, proceeding into the temple doors. The couple was Diane and me. I then envisioned Stephen saying: “Can we go in and follow them?” Grandpa Hoyal replied: “Not now, there is something else and somewhere else you need to do and go first.” I envisioned him sending Stephen off to another place for a time. It occurred to me it might be a far place and it might be both missionary and training type of work. But, all of that said, I felt the impression that Stephen wanted deeply to know what we did in the temple and that he wanted to go in. I do not know the rules in Heaven – but I do know the Kingdom of God is orderly. I suspect, Stephen, when the time is right, and when he has been prepared, will enter the Temple. I know on the 4th of December, 2009, I will take his name through as proxy. I expect to meet him then, or to at least feel of his presence. I expect Grandma and Grandpa Hoyal, who have already passed away, and others to be there. Chris Hoyal has asked to attend this session – I’m sure I will invite others as I know it may be a rich spiritual and family experience. I am grateful to God for tender mercies yet again.

A message of comfort

On December 21st, I lay in bed well past 2 AM and could not sleep. I had a fearful presence come over me after I thought I heard a noise. In my mind I cast out evil in the name of Jesus Christ. I felt comforted. I then had a distinct sensation in my mind’s voice that Stephen was talking to me. I heard the impression he was telling me that he had gone into the Spirit prison to talk to others about Jesus Christ and about Drugs and about the Plan of Salvation. I was asking him for forgiveness and about the loneliness he must have felt in those last few hours and he said Jesus was all along very near. My words are very inadequate as I attempt to write what I have felt. I t does seem Stephen is on a mission or a series of brief missions as there is authority of the Aaronic Priesthood and under the guidance of one who has the Melchizedec Priesthood (most likely Grandpa Hoyal, and as I have learned lately by Grandma Ramos, Michael Hoyal).

I always thought Stephen and I would speak like President Davis and his son (in Corvallis, OR) to congregations about the evils of drugs, the power of Satan, and the power of recovery and how the Savior blesses us. I felt Stephen is doing just that, as he visits people in the Spirit Prison, He and I may yet do that together in years to come.

Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people (Acts 6:8)

On a night (1/9/09) when I was particularly discouraged and as I lay down to go to sleep and close my eyes, I saw in my mind’s eye a young man who was in my view from the torso up. His hair was dark and he had a strong and regal face. He was in white, but around him were flames – but they were not flames – in other words, it was power, strength, and light[ii]. It is not completely describable. The image is hard to describe, but to my soul I felt the description that here is a young man of power, of faith, and of strength and a young man whom the Lord loveth, and whom is in a place of safety; but also a place of action. He was serious, but not too serious. He was Stephen. I recognized him almost immediately. I opened my eyes But, it formed instantly and was called to my mind without a request from me, in fact, this type of image was the last thing I had thought to seek. As the image has stayed with me over the days and weeks past, and has in fact grown stronger in my mind’s view, it is apparent to me this was not just imagination, but was kind mercy extended from the Lord letting me see what has become of my son. I must cling to the earliest revelations and must not let my doubt creep in. Oh, Lord, help thou mine unbelief. I feel this image is like that described by those experienced by Book of Mormon Prophets – I cannot adequately describe nor write – but I have the word – “Glory” come to my mind as a way to help describe what I saw. It was like nothing I’ve seen or experienced in this world, and it made me feel this is a person of glory, power, and love. I am now reminded of the covenant of baptism, whereby the Lord now becomes our shepherd. He was in fact Stephen’s shepherd and in the end, the Lord left the 90 and 9 to recover the one. We are thankful for this and glad in heart to have been a part of the recovery. I want to encourage us all to revisit what is included in the baptismal covenant as described by Bruce R. McConkie in Mormon Doctrine. Baptism is a saving ordinance – The first. It is performed in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. I find this unique in that the only other ordinance performed in the same manner is the ordinance of the sealing in the temple – the saving ordinance of Marriage. Baptism is the first, and Marriage is the last – these are both performed in like manner from the point of view of authority expressed and pronouncement. The obligations we take on us in baptism are: 1) we enter the Fold of Christ, 2) We take upon us His name, 3) We commit to sharing the burdens of others, 4) we commit to mourn with those who morn , 5) we commit to comfort those who stand in need of comfort, 6) We promise to witness of Christ in all times, all places, and all things, and 7) we promise to serve him and keep his commandments. The promises that the Lord then makes to us are significant: 1) He pours out his spirit and gift of the Holy Ghost and 2) there is a promise of redemption, of a resurrection in the first resurrection, and of eternal life. Therefore, baptism surely is the initial ordinance of salvation and is the key whereby we may enter into the Celestial Kingdom. Baptism is, in my view, the entry point of the New and Everlasting Covenant – we surely are in the tender mercies of the Lord, after all that Satan can do, when we are under the covenant of Baptism.